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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...