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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
So much to do and so few alibis.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.