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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....