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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.