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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?