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United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
My inner child is a drunken whore
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.