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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
I drink to make other people interesting
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!