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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
If stress burned calories, Iād be a super model.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."