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Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."