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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)