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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.