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Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.