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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!