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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent