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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
One trenta cheeseburger please.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.