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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
what does bgif mean on a friday night ? ... boobs go in front
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.