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Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.