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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.