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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
You make me want to be a drunker person
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.