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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec