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If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!