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You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone