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If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.