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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.