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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.