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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?