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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.