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Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.