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When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Word for the day is asstard
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.