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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.