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I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over