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Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.