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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)