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Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?