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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!