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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.