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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Good for you, people that do things.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.