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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
My internet goes out more than I do.
I only accept apologies in cash.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.