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that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment