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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.