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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie