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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.