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The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.