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I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one