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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
My mind has a mind of its own.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.