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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.