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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Do you really have to breath that much?
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"