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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.