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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.