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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Long story short, I love summaries.
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.