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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.