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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things Iād get a lot more done.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "