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Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......