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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.