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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Finally 21 and now legally able to do things which i have been doing since 15….
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener