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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I flunked anger management class.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
My mind has a mind of its own.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.