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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?