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It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.