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If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.