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The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.