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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.