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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.