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The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome