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Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
My pants are 75% off.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.