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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.