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I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.