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Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."