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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.