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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
All milk is breast milk.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.