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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
why me is me ?
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.