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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.