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"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I give myself the best presents.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
me + you = overpopulation... :) :p
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....