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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Iām taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So Iām off to find a bar with a mirror.
Good news everyone ā my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...