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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.